In preparation for the upcoming deluge of Secret Wars titles, including Jason Aaron’s Weirdworld, I decided to brush up on an obscure niche in Marvel lore: Skull the Slayer. Touted by the trade paperback as “LOST meets The Land That Time Forgot,” we follow Jim Scully, a disgraced Vietnam vet wrongly charged with his brother’s murder, when his plane ventures through the Bermuda Triangle and crash-lands in a prehistoric jungle populated with dinosaurs, cavemen, alien corpses, robots, and an alien/pharaoh/sorcerer called Slitherogue. It’s good fun!
But the first issue, written by Marv Wolfman and illustrated by Steve Gan, definitely wins the award for Most Engaged Narrator – but unfortunately, narration in the remaining seven issues of the short-lived series is virtually nil! Check it out:
Pilot #1: “Heeeyyy! Watch it, Sid. You’re flying a plane — not a skateboard!”
Pilot #2: “Don’t tell me, Marc. Tell the controls. They’re stuck! Something’s happened! They’ve gone crazy!”
Narrator: “But don’t worry about it, friend — you’re not going to live — so why aggravate yourself more than you have to.”
The narrator also has a vested interest in reminding Scully and the reader exactly what he’s missing out on back home.
Narrator: “But before the plane ‘Nureyeved’ into the bog, Scully found himself thrown out like a ‘Glad-Bag’ full of human garbage. Out of it for sixteen hours. Hey, man — got good news and bad news for you: Bad first: you missed The Tonight Show with special guest host, Joey Bishop. Good news: you’re gonna keep missing it.”
Scully: “Oh man — ohhhh maaann! Gotta stop drinking reality. Wwooooeeee!”
So I don’t know what “drinking reality” means? But anyway later:
Scully: “Guess this is it — back to the primitive — the jungle man lives again! There’s no one else alive here, and if I’ve figured everything correctly, there won’t be any human life for 222 million years.”
Narrator: “Time enough to have seen over four billion re-runs of ‘I Love Lucy,’ kid.”
Haha, okay! But then it gets real hardcore real fast as Scully singlehandedly takes on a Tyrannosaurus Rex! While he’s bashing the dinosaur’s head with a rock(!!!), the narrator is keeping his 1975 copy of the TV Guide close to hand: “You’ve always wanted to be a hero, haven’t you, Scully? Always wanted to be ‘James Bond,’ ‘Napoleon Solo,’ ‘John Steed’ to the rescue. Always wanted to be the big honcho, didn’t you? How dies it feel playing king of the hill now, Scully? Damn good, doesn’t it?” And soon, when Scully spears the dinosaur in the face(!!!), “Rexy rears up — and Scully goes with him. He doesn’t have much of a choice. Holds on like he did in ‘Nam. Without whimpering.”
So rad! But don’t worry, cats and kittens, because Jim Scully isn’t going to let some narrator hog all the good lines, as he swings himself onto the Tyrannosaurus’ neck: “Wanna dance, precious? Then again, I’ve been out of it so long, I probably don’t know the latest steps! Hey — you don’t have to hold it against me, you know. It wasn’t my fault!” And the dinosaur is all RRRRRROOOOWW, but then Scully is like, “Okay — you asked for it, honey. I’m through with blind dates from this point on” as he spears the Tyrannosaurus in the eye!
And then the issue reaches its incredible climax with the dinosaur and Scully plummeting over the cliff feet-first, not bothering to pause its blind and maddened rampage – as seen here in the title page in all its glory!
Narrator: “Oughta learn to shut up, Scully. ‘Cause T-Rex’s really mad now. Ribbons of blood stream out of its punctured eye — but don’t worry — the next Ice Age will cover the mess. Rex dances insanely in every direction — mad choreography on a prehistoric stage. And when the show is over — the curtain falls! Last minute scores coming in now. Prehistoric carnivore: zero. Human shlump: one. That’s three men down — none left on the base at the bottom of the first.”
But again, the unfortunate lack of Marv Wolfman’s narration in the subsequent issues just makes this knockout first issue stand out all the more. Maybe they just don’t make ’em like this anymore!